What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
AYYYYYYY Matey! (Get it? sounds like “I’m 80!”! haha)
Why couldn’t the pony sing the lullaby?
It was a little hoarse.
What nation is the most creative?
I tried to organize a professional Hide-and-Seek tournament, but it was a complete failure. Good players are hard to find.
How do celebrities stay cool?
They have many fans!
Cows don’t say who, they say moo.
What do you call a bear with no teeth?
A gummy bear!!
What did one ocean say to the other ocean?
Nothing, it just waved.
Why couldn’t Jonah trust the ocean?
Because he knew there was something fishy about it.
Why do scuba divers fall backwards off the boat?
If they fell foward, they’d still be in the boat.
Why can’t dinosaurs clap?
Because they’re extinct.
Where do generals keep their armies?
In their sleeves.
What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?
Did you hear about the guy who got fired from the calendar factory?
He too too many days off.
How do you think the unthinkable?
With an itheberg.
What animal can jump higher than a house?
All of them… houses can’t jump.
What’s grey and can’t swim?
What’s yellow and hurts when it gets in your eye?
What’s white and can’t climb a tree?
What’s red and bad for your teeth?
What’s brown and sticky?
Why did the cowboy get a dachshund?
He wanted to get a long, little doggy.
What do you call a dog with no legs?
Anything you want, it’s not coming.
Jokes Submitted by Applicants:
If anyone needs and ark, I Noah guy.
A broken pencil.
A broken pencil who?
Never mind, it’s pointless!
What do lawyers wear to court?
“Why don’t elephants use computers?”
“Because they’re afraid of the mouse!”
A sloth walks into a bar, waves to get the bartenders attention, and says,
“I’ll have a….club soda.”
The bartender says, “Hey, why the long paws?”
Q: Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
A: He was stuck to the chicken’s foot.
Q: What did the daddy tomato say to the baby tomato?
Why did the scarecrow win an award?
Because he was amazing in his field!
What do you call a green rock that was thrown in a red sea?
a wet rock.
Two silk worms challenged each other to a race.
It ended in a tie.
My boss told me to have a good day……..so I went home.
And the Lord said unto John, “Come forth and you will receive eternal life.”
John came fifth and won a toaster
Q: What kind of shorts do clouds wear?
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson decide to go on a camping trip. After dinner they lay down for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. “Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.” Watson replied, “I see millions of stars.” “What does that tell you?” Watson pondered for a minute. “Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.” “Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.” “Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.” “Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant.” “Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.” “What does it tell you, Holmes?” Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke: “Watson, you idiot. Someone has stolen our tent!”
Why did tigger stick his head in the toilet?
He was looking for pooh!
What two things can you not have for breakfast?
Lunch and Dinner
Why did the cancrusher feel bad.
Because he was sodapressed!
There is no “we” in ramen there is only “me” so it is all mine
What did the traffic light say to the car?
Don’t look! I’m about to change.
Did you hear about the monkeys who shared an Amazon account?
They were Prime mates.
What time of the day was Adam created?
Just a little before Eve.
How do you make holy water?
You boil the hell out of it.
Knock Knock. Who’s there? Dismay.
Dismay who? Dismay be a bad joke but I like it anyways.